upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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