I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
