last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
