He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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