You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
