I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
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After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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