Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
