Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
