I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm too high and old for this...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
