Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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