hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
