Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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