I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Did I show you my penis last night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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