Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
