I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
