You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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