I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
