So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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