____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
