I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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