I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NoShamevember. You game?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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