just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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