You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
