They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
