I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
