Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
