eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
