My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
