I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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