Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
