are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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