You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
