i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
