Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
