i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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