HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize