dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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