life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize