Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
