I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
