Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
