Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
