i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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