Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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