Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
