me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
