is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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