Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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