my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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