And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw a hot homeless man
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
