Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
