Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
