The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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