you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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