You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
